last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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