using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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