Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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