Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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