i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
