You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
