so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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