So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
