Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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