why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize