I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize