I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
