yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
