Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
