Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
