oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
