I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
