i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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