my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
