he was CRYING into my vagina
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
