Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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