I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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