Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
