I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
