remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
