shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
