as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Houston, we have a blender
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
