Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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