you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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