I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
