I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
