Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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