I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
