The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Michael Bay diarrhea
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
