Little spoons don't ask big questions
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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