watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
