She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
