Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
