go do what you do best...puke behind churches
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize