i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
