My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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