I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
