I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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