I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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