the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
