Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
