I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
