my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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