just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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