Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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