How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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