My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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