I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
