Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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