So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
