Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
