Who wears a wallet chain?!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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