we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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