o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
