I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
