Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
